Crank is an updated Go Ask Alice with an angsty twist that is almost nauseating: it is written in free verse. Gag me! For some reason, though, the teens are eating this crap up! Racing to bookstores to grab the newest release from this author as if she has re-invented the teen struggle and language. Somehow, she is making today's teens believe they are the new and improved beat generation of years past. What has been created, however, are teens who have no legitimate point of reference with this material. Teens who try to get a reaction from others by saying they connect to these characters. Teens with their flaccid attempts at slam poetry on the interweb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks a lot, Ellen Hopkins! I blame you!

 

This book has made me hate writing poetry. It has made me hate the verses I have written in the past. I have a new found appreciation for free verse done well, and a growing disdain for people like Ellen and myself who feel the need to reinvent it because we are not able to be authentic. People like Ellen and I who attempt to mimic masters with sloppy imitation. People who use gimmick instead of skill to write poetry are the worst. I'm the worst, but she's the worstest! At least I'm not pompous enough to polish my poo and have it published.

 

How anyone can see any literary merit in this type of writing is beyond me. Nearly four years after first picking it up, I've finally completed Ellen Hopkins embarrassingly hideous novel, Crank. And though it will get two stars from me, all the little kiddos with an email account and a Goodreads profile can't stop waxing poetic about this garbage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is safe to say, this review was difficult for me. So difficult, in fact, that I've decided to abandon my usual blogging format. In my opinion, this book is not worthy of any more of my time. I wouldn't exert that much energy on this drivel. Instead of breaking the story and all of its protagonists nonsense down into bite-sized pieces for you to devour and enjoy, I've decided to "word vomit" all the trite and pathetic verses in this blog. I will use this space to point out all the ridiculous quotes that made me laugh while angrily flipping through the 500+ pages of this book. Let's have a good laugh, shall we?

 

With a little help from our friends at Buzzfeed, I have created a list of the worst lines in the book and paired them with Buzzfeed's list of the 27 of The Most Mind-Bogglingly Stupid Lyrics of All Time. Though I could EASILY provide 27 quotes from the book to pair with each song lyric in the article, for the sake of not wanting to waste your entire lunch break on garbage, I've picked my top 10 lines. I'm sure you have better things to do on your lunch break. So now, without further ado:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Masters of the painfully bad & obvious

 

Van Halen- Why Can't This Be Love

“Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.”

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 1

"Life was good before I met the monster. After, life was great. At least for a little while."

 

From the first page and opening lines of this book, it was clear that I was in for an emo, joy-less-ride.

 

 

2) Confusion say

 

LFO- Summer Girls

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick."

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 50

"I felt her stir, like a breeze blowing up off the evening sea. My wind had awakened"

 

I feel the same way after I indulge in a midnight craving for Jack In The Box $1 tacos, girl! I get it...I think.

 

 

3) Baby mama drama

 

Live- Lightning Crashes

“Lightning crashes, a new mother cries / Her placenta falls to the floor.”

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 136

"He stumbled in, tumbled against me, clutching like a scared little boy, in need of his mamas grace."

 

There comes a time when you come

across something so poetic, so real,

so sweet and endearing that it leaves

you speechless...

 

then you read Crank and you find that

you a breathless for an entirely

different reason. Words just can't 

explain it. 

 

 

4) Ahh, young love

 

Taylor Swift- Love Letter

"Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter, And my daddy said stay away from Juliet"

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 162

"With you, I am Adam. And you are my beautiful Eve. Let's run away, find our garden and live there together, happy. Naked."

 

Because nothing says “true love” like played-out, forbidden-love literary character references. 

 

 

5) Deeper thoughts. Not by Jack Handy.

 

Rhianna- What's My Name?

“The square root of 69 is 8 something, right? / Cause I’ve been tryna work it out.”

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 434

"Have you ever once in your life reached out to touch infinity?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This will never get old. Don't judge me!

 

6) The joy of human anatomy! 

 

Big Sean featuring Nicki Minaj- “Dance Ass”

“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass / Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass / Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass / Stop…”

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 521

"How big were my balls? Big enough to follow through?"

 

Maybe I'm playing the wrong sport, but I was pretty certain that a good follow through required a big club and a small ball. Well, obviously, I'm not a golfer.

 

 

7) Make love, not verse

 

The Killers- All the Things I've Done

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier"

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 73

"Heartbeat bombs went off in my head."

 

8) Actually, what's love got to do with it?!

 

Selena Gomez- Love You Like a Love Song

"I love you like a love song."

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 142

"I loved him. I hated her. I hated him for loving her. I loved him for loving her still."

 

I am this close to losing my faith in humanity if the generation that thinks these words are meaningful will be responsible for my Social Security in the near future. There is no better time to teach Literature on a Secondary level. 

 

9) ...?

 

Pitbull- Give Me Everything

"Me not working hard? Yea, right! Picture that with a Kodak. And, better yet, go to Times Square.Take a picture of me with a Kodak."

 

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 181

"Red and raw like my brain, unable to shut down, thoughts crashing like electrons orbiting a nucleus of dueling emotions."

 

You ever read or hear something that so desperately attempts to be poignant that it makes your head hurt? Yeah, my brain is red and raw now! Thanks for that! Like an attack pit bull, the words bite at you and destroys your brain with ridiculousness, consistently! Ellen is the Michael Vick of verse.

 

10) "Houston, we have a problem."

 

Dr. Dre- Keep Their Headz Ringin

"I kick plenty of ass, so call me an astronaut" 

 

 

 

 

Ellen Hopkins- Crank page 447

"I felt out of control, a meteorite tumbling through space, tugged by gravity toward certain doom."

 

Well, it would appear that Dre captured the summary of this book perfectly in the title of his song. And if Ellen Hopkins sole purpose in writing this "book" was to make the reader feel strung out on bad writing, I suppose she nailed it. I feel absolutely...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...by the shallowness of this book.

 

 

There are those who feel a connection with these types of books, and for them, this blog may seem very insensitive. However for the rest of us, take note: teens still need guidance from adults. There may be plenty of literature for teens that are well written and even poignant, but somewhere along the way, works like Crank got lumped into the mix. Just because YA has grown significantly in popularity, there still must be a limit to how much value we place on certain books that influence and shape the thoughts of young readers. As educators and parents, we need to be critical of "popular" books and use literature as a way to teach our young adults about placing quality over hype.

 

Let this be a lesson: Crank is crap, so just say "no". 

 

* all GIFs courtesy of giphy.com

**Special thanks to BuzzFeed's Ryan Broderick for the use of his article.